I recently sat down with a young husband in my office and he began to tell me a story about how he had been caught by his wife after he’d had some very inappropriate and sexually explicit text message exchanges with a woman at his workplace. His wife had sensed something was going on because he has been subconsciously pulling away from his wife emotionally and physically as he was giving more and more thought to this other woman.
Here are the six bad habits that can lead to infidelity (in no particular order)…
1. Criticizing your spouse in public, in private, or online.
The tone of your words will shape the tone of your marriage. Criticism, nagging, or constantly “correcting” your spouse can make both you and your spouse more vulnerable to an affair. When you look at your spouse with a critical eye, you’re more likely to have your eyes open to someone else and your spouse is more likely to be drawn in by someone who will complement them instead of criticizing. If there’s a climate of criticism in your marriage, take immediate action to change it. Be your spouse’s biggest encourager; not their biggest critic!
2. Lack of physical affection.
If you and your spouse aren’t hugging, kissing, holding hands, etc., that’s a big warning sign. Frequent sexual intimacy is obviously important as well, but these smaller acts of everyday physical touch are so important to the physical and emotional connectedness that keep a husband and wife bonded. If your marriage is lacking in this area, start initiating physical contact. If your spouse doesn’t receive your advances with warmth, start conversations about the reasons why there’s a disconnect. A marriage starved of sex and other forms of physical affection is in a dangerous and vulnerable place.
3. Stubborn pride (believing your way is always the right way or the only way.)
When you start disrespecting your spouse by belittling his/her viewpoints, you’re opening the door for infidelity. Pride is that sinister little whisper in your ear making you feel entitled to do everything your way and in your preferred timing. Pride destroys relationships more than anything else. Show mutual respect at all times. Respect and thoughtfulness aren’t just good tools for preventing adultery; they vital to health in every part of your marriage. Just because your spouse does things differently than you doesn’t necessarily mean your way is better (or worse). Celebrate each others’ differences.
4. Keeping secrets from your spouse.
Secrecy is the enemy of intimacy. The moment you start deleting text messages, hiding things or doing anything you hope your spouse doesn’t find out about, you’re already way out of line! If you want your marriage to thrive and be protected from adultery, make the “Secret-Free Guarantee.” Never keep secrets and never tell lies to your spouse. Full and transparent honesty is the only way a marriage can work.
6. Threatening divorce.
The “D-Word” in marriage can shatter the foundation of trust that every marriage should be built upon. Whenever we start creating exit strategies in our mind or whenever we threaten to leave, it creates an atmosphere where infidelity (and/or lots of other negative factors) can more easily happen. The strongest marriages remove all exit strategies and remove the word “divorce” from their vocabularies.
6. Going on “autopilot” (when you stop making efforts to strengthen your marriage.)
We’ve all been around couples where one or both spouses have “checked out” of the relationship. They still live in the same house and technically they are still married, but their thoughts and their hearts might as well be a thousand miles away. They’ve grown numb and they’ve silently given up even trying to make things better. If this, or any of the factors on this list, are happening in your marriage, please don’t lose hope and don’t fall for the toxic temptation of having an affair. There is help and hope available for your marriage. Get counseling. Get help. Don’t give up.
By: Dave Willis (xomarriage)